Tickets for next week’s Heineken Cup semi-final are reported to be selling like hot-cakes on the black market, and exorbitant prices are also being paid to secure the best seats in the house in Jack O’Rourke’s bar on Sunday afternoon to watch the game in living colour on the 102 inch plasma television.

Meanwhile, the white flag of surrender has been raised over the local credit union offices in the town, and staff are emerging from the bunkers with their hands held aloft, having finally ran out of monetary ammunition with which to fund the various proposed missions to Coventry.

And the government handbook on how to deal with any future emergencies could not have arrived at a more opportune moment. The booklet outlines the correct procedure for dealing with fires, floods, famines, ‘flue pandemics, etc. However, it fails to address the potentially disasterous fallout from a possible Munster defeat. Perhaps, Brian Cowen & Co. do not evisage such a major natural catastrophe occurring any time soon.

Our cousins in Bimingham have failed dismally to deliver on their promise of providing accomodation for the travelling Abbeyfeale fans. Repeated phone calls have been met with anonymous messages from those bloody awful answering machines; “We are sorry that we cannot come to the phone at present. Leave your name and number and we will get back to you…..”

Yea, right. You’d have more chance of receiving a communication from outer space. Just wait until these people arrive over here on holidays this summer expecting to be waited on, hand and foot. They will get a frosty reception - so they will!

And spare a thought for one loyal Munster fan who won’t be travelling to Coventry next weekend because he has been grounded by his wife!

Taigheen, a lifelong member of Garryowen Rugby Club, was fifty last week, and as a surprise birthday present, his lady wife decided to treat him to a visit to the lap dancing club in Limerick.

They arrived at the door of the club and the doorman called out; “Taigheen! How’s the going, man?”

The wife is slightly puzzled and asks if he has been here before.

“Not at all,” said Taigheen. “Sure you’re man is the Garryowen prop-forward. He does a bit of bouncing in his spare time.”

When they are seated, the waitress comes over and asks Taigheen if he would like his usual tipple, and returns with a pint of Guinness.

The wife is becoming increasingly suspicious. “How did she know your usual drink” She asks.

“Ah sure, that’s Nono. She does the bar at weekends in the Garryowen clubhouse.”

Just then, a stripper arrives at the table and throws her arms around Taigheen. “Hello, big boy.” she cooes, blowing into his ear. “Want your usual table dance?”

With that, the wife jumps up and storms furiously out of the place and gets into a taxi. Taigheen follows and jumps in beside her.

“Ah, Bridie, listen!” he says. “I can explain …….”

But Bridie cuts loose with a load of expletives and four-letter words that would put a sailor to shame.

And the taxi man looks back and says; “Jaysus Taigheen, you’ve picked up a right little firecracker tonight!”

To make up for his misery, Taigheen has been given honourary possession of the rocking chair in Jack O’Rourke’s bar next Saturday evening to watch the match.

That should blow his cover!

All the usual suspects are heading for Coventry at the weekend, travelling by land, sea and air. Some have even tempted fate by already booking accomodation for the final in Wales. Meanwhile Munster flags and banners wave proudly high over Abbeyfeale and we look forward to a feast of good rugby and a win for the men in red.

COME ON MUNSTER!

SOUND OF MUSIC

Descendants of the Van Trapp family, who inspired the famous Rodgers and Hammerstein musical and film, Sound Of Music, will be in Abbeyfeale for Fleadh by the Feale on the May Bank Holiday weekend. The group, who are the grandchildren of the original couple, Maria and Georg Van Trapp, perform all over the world and this will be their second visit to Abbeyfeale.

QUIZ:

A Table Quiz will take place in Matt McCoy’s bar on this Friday 25^th April starting at 9.30 pm. The event is being organized by Ogra Fianna Fail in association with the local Fianna Fail cuman, and all proceeds will be donated to the Day Care Centre in Abbeyfeale. The MC for the night will be Cllr Francis Foley, and there will be numerous prizes, spots, novelties, etc. All are welcome.

TALENT:

Laura Dillon from Kilconlea gave another polished performance on RTE last week as one of only 10 remaining contestants from an original entry of over 12,000, in a nationwide TV talent search. 12-year old Laura, daughter of Anne and Michael Dillon, played the flute, bones and concertina. Voting by phone and text closed on Friday and the results will be announced on the programme this week.

PLAY

The Glorach Players are presenting two one act plays this Thursday, Friday and Saturday at 8pm sharp. To reserve a seat contact 087 1383940.

KNOCK
A bus will travel to Knock on Friday evening 25^th April for the night vigil. Contact Peg on 068 31232 for further details.

LIGHTS:

A new set of pedestrian traffic lights has been installed in Church Street opposite the Boys’ National School.

GOLF;

Latest outing of Abbeyfeale Golfing Society was to Adare Manor Golf Club on Sat.19th April, kindly sponsored by Sam Foley, Abbeyfeale. Winners on the day were: 1st: Dermot Brosnan 40pts. 2nd: John Joe Foley 37pts. 3rd: Gerry Molyneaux 36pts. Front 9: Brian Kneasfey 19pts. Back 9: Paddy Lane 21pts. Card Draw: Paddy Fitzgerald. Next outing is to Newcastle West Golf Club on Sat.17th May. Tee-Times are 11.00-13.00.

RUGBY;

Abbeyfeale RFC held a very successful outing to Tralee Greyhound Track last Saturday night with proceeds going towards the Field Development Fund. It is hoped to install match standard flood-lighting on the pitch in the near future.

SOCCER:

Abbeyfeale Utd A were beaten 1-0 by Broadford. The B team were beaten 4-0 by Foynes.

GAA:

Fr. Casey’s are through to the West Intermediate Football Final after a 0-09 to 0-02 victory over Ballysteen last Sunday evening in Newcastle West. They will meet Glin in the final.