“It will go right down to the wire!” said NPP (No Policy Party) leader, Mr Daithi O’Conchubhair, with just a couple of days left before polling starts in the general election.

Mr O’Conchubhair, has been busy on the hustings, and has been holding nightly clinics in various taverns throughout the area where he has kept large and inebriated audiences spellbound by the power of his oratory and his vision for a new Ireland.

“We must go back to the old days” he said “and give work to them that wants it, and dole to them that don’t. The hand of history may very well be patting us on the back, but the toe of tradition is also booting us up the backside.”

And, as controversy continues to rage over allegations of illegal payments to politicians, Mr O’Conchubhair moved swiftly to distance himself from any suggestions that he was a former recipient of improper monetary rewards handed out for political favours. (The so-called “brown envelope“ syndrome)

At a hastily convened press conference in Din Joe’s Bar and Grill on Sunday night, during a break in the weekly Country & Irish Disco Dancing Classes, Mr O’Conchubhair, a former All Ireland junior goat shearing champion, also denied allegations that he had accepted social security payments while engaged in turf cutting operations in the late seventies.

“This is a scurrilous lie!” he claimed. “put out by opposition blackguards to hijack my election campaign. Any money that I got, I earned it hard – so I did.!”

Following further questioning from a persistent journalist, Mr O’Conchubhair admitted that he had spent a few days (or weeks – he couldn‘t remember that far back) cutting turf for a neighbour (or several neighbours) in the bog on the dates mentioned but insisted that no money changed hands, except perhaps a few bob for expenses such as a drop of petrol, a couple of pints, a new Morris Minor, etc. “The labourer is worthy of his hire” he said. “and anyway, we put nothing through the books, so the revenue commissioners have no need to be bothering their heads about these matters.”

On the election front, Mr O’Conchubhair said that he was pleased with the progress of the NPP which had moved 10 percentage points in the recent polls. “We started at 0%” he explained, “and have now gone to -10% which proves that the electorate is not ignoring us entirely.”

Mr O’Conchubhair deplored the face that RTE had failed to invite him to participate in the Leaders Debate last Wednesday night. “They can have them two little feicing eejits from Ballydung, Podge and Rodge, on every second night, talking filth and riding roughshod over the plain women of Ireland, while the likes of me can’t get a word in edgeways!” he said, adding that RTE could go whistle for their license money from now on.

When asked about his willingness to support a coalition government, Mr O’Conchubhair was most vociferous. “I will go into government with anyone who can meet my demands” he declared. These demands included a seat at cabinet, the extension of the Luas service along the bed of the old railway line to Kilmorna, and the restoration of the Primary Certificate Examination for national schools.

“’Tis a crying shame that they ever shut down the railway” he said, “because it was a pure gold mine. You have ten thousand cars driving in to Limerick every morning and coming back in the evening. “If you charged them people €10 return on the train you would collect half a million euro every week. And you could forget about your town bypasses and your ten-lane motorways. Instead of Tesco having to come to us, we could go to them!”

On the question of restoring the Primary Examination in national schools, Mr O’Conchubhair claimed that it was a national scandal that it was ever done away with. “It provided us with job opportunities that previously we could only dream about.” He claimed. “You could walk into any job centre in Shepherds Bush, Camden Town or The Bronx” he continued “and, as soon as they saw that you had passed the Primary Certificate, they handed you a shovel and gave you the start straightaway with no questions asked. In time, you might even be promoted and given your very own wheelbarrow! You can go in now with some class of degree from The Tech or Trinity College and they won‘t even give you the time of day, never mind a shovel”

Mr O’Conchubhair plans to hold a final rally in The Square from late Wednesday night to early on Thursday morning, after the pubs shut but before the polling booths open. “Pints of porter and plates of pandy, that’s what the plain people of this country want.” he said “and if they vote for me, that’s what they will get.”

Mr O’Conchubhair, said that after the election, he expected both Bertie Ahern and Enda Kenny to come knocking on his door, seeking support for the formation of a new government.

“I have no intention in engaging in auction politics with either of these two gentleman,” he said “but I will give my vote to whoever can offer me a Ministerial Merc to replace the old Morris Minor.”

Mr O’Conchubhair concluded by saying that he had hired a fleet of donkey and carts to ferry voters to the polling stations on election day. “We will save on petrol and also reduce pollution significantly” he said. “plus, it will annoy the hell out of The Green Party who will be sorry that they didn’t think of it first!”

Opposition candidates are said to be in a state of nervous tension following Mr O’Conchubhair’s late entry into the election race, and they fear that his unorthodox campaign and his offer of free porter for votes may just tip the balance in his favour.

These are exceptional and exciting times indeed on the hustings in West Limerick.