Welcome to the newly-formed Abbeyfeale Cricket Club. The club was officially launched at an Extraordinary General Meeting held at The Domain Grounds on Saturday 21st October, 2001.
The list of officers is as follows;
Chairman; The Hon. Sir Percival Ponsonby-Smythe. Secretary; Lady Honoria Ponsonby-Smythe. Treasurer; The Rev. Basil P Braithwaite .P.R.O.; Roderick L Thorpe Q.C. Capt. 1st X1; Percival Ponsonby-Smythe. Munster Branch Rep.; Col. Reginald Alex Allbright.
A full fixture list has been drawn up and the first match will be at home to Brosna C.C. on Sunday next, 29th October. A match report will appear here later.
Anyone interested in playing cricket should contact the club captain or any committee member. Hurlers particularly welcome.
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29thOct. GAME OFF! Abbeyfeale`s game against Brosna at The Haggard on Sunday was abandoned after the first ball due to poor light, torrential rain, and monsoon winds. Following consultations between the umpires and the rival captains, it was decided to call the affair a draw. Teams and officials then withdrew to the clubhouse where a most convivial afternoon and evening was enjoyed by all.
FIXTURE; Next Sunday, Abbeyfeale have another home game when they play Drom Fhada in the first round of the winter league. Players are requested to arrive at the clubhouse in a sober state, no later then 10 am when captain, Ponsonby-Smythe, will deliver a very interesting team-talk on Einstein`s Theory of Relativity and it`s relevance within the modern game of cricket.
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18th Nov.The weather continues to play havoc with the fixture list, and prospects for cricket resuming at The Haggard within the next week are slim indeed. We have covered the wicket with a few `bearts` of rushes in an attempt to protect it from the elements. However, the outfield remains quite soggy, mainly because it is still covered with two foot of water. We have plans prepared to drain the pitch, and we will start as soon as we receive our entitlement from the National Lottery. We have also petitioned our local M.E.P. Gerard Collins, who is a noted cricket enthusiast and a former opening batsman for the West Limerick Cuman. Funds should start flowing in from Brussels shortly and we hope soon to be in a position to completely renovate the Members Bar and install the new jacuzzi as agreed at our last meeting. ;Fogra; Would anyone have the lone of a tractor?
Meanwhile, plans for our annual Supper Social are at an advanced stage. The social will go ahead at The Clubhouse on Friday 15th December starting at 6 pm, and continuing until closing time on Sunday 17th December. The cuisine will be prepared by Superbites Outside Catering and music will be provided by the Abbeyfeale String Quartet and their special guest soprano, Miz Hortensia Ffyffe-Gould, who will accompany herself on the saxophone. Tickets now available from committee members at ?75 each. Dress optional. Rakes of spot-prizes! (P.S. You can book your ticket here by e-mailing your credit card details to dromtrasna@hotmail.com. A ?10 booking fee will apply.)
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23rd Nov.; Good news for all cricket enthusiasts! It looks as if the postponed game against Brosna in the Bog Meadow is set to go ahead on Sunday. Grounds men at the Kerry Club assure us that the pitch will be in tip-top condition. A team bus will leave The Square at 8.30 am, and three coach-loads of supporters will depart from Leen`s Hotel at 8.30 pm. Coach, match tickets, plus dinner in Mountcollins, will cost ?35 per head. The Abbeyfeale Team will be announced on Sunday morning following a stringent fitness test to weed out potential troublemakers, and those suffering from a hangover! (A full match report will be posted here)
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27th Nov. History was made at The Bog Meadow in Brosna on Sunday when an Abbeyfeale Cricket Team took the field in competition for the first time and recorded a fine win over the local peasantry in a West Munster Seniors league match.
On a wet and spongy wicket with very little spin, Abbeyfeale won the toss and sent Brosna in to bat. Club Captain, Ponsonby-Smythe, opened the bowling for Abbeyfeale and, playing with three slips and a gully, his particularly ferocious bodlyline bowling tactics had the Brosna Batsmen ducking for cover. He dismissed the Brosna opener for a duck, and his final tally of 4 for 17 was excellent in the prevailing conditions and included two maiden overs. At the other end, A.J.K. Higginsbottom was also in fine bowling form, collecting three wickets for the concession of just 21 runs. With the opening batsmen routed, and the middle order crumbling, Brosna were all out for a very miserly 57 before lunch.
Following a leisurely bowl of soup and some tasty ham sandwiches in the Brosna Clubhouse, Abbeyfeale went in to bat. Ponsonby-Smythe opened, and reached a very respectable tally of 10 before being controversially dismissed lbw by a Brosna pig farmer. As he headed slowly back to the pavilion, the Abbeyfeale opener stared long and pointedly at umpire, Dickie Bird, but the official was unrepentant, wagging a peremptory finger (or two) at Ponsonby-Smythe and signaling him to vacate the field of play. Despite this setback, the run-rate continued unabated and Abbeyfeale reached the required target with the loss of just two more wickets. Mountcharles (10) lbw. and Hoggis-Figgs (6) caught at silly mid-on. It was left to the unbroken partnership of Sir Charles Rawlings (14) and Cedric Haines-Wallace (8) to seal a historic 8 wicket victory.
We have no game next weekend due to the Test Match in Lahore between The West Indies and Pakistan. A bus will leave The Square at 10 am sharp on Friday morning.
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11th Dec.; Despite the best efforts of our excellent ground staff, Sunday`s game was again postponed due to the elements. The club is seriously considering the installation of a purpose built, all-weather pitch and the erection of an indoor arena. Representation has already been made to Bertie Aherne. The Taoiseach has privately assured us that, should plans for the National Stadium fall through, then he will listen sympathetically to our our proposals. In the minefield of Irish Politics, (where a brown envelope is your only man) a nod is always as good as a wink! So, expect an official announcement shortly.
Tickets for our Dinner Dance on next Friday 15th December are completely sold out! The demand has been unbelievable, with prices on the Black Market going as high as ?200. Patrons are advised to beware of ticket touts and forged tickets. Numerous Guest Celebrities have been invited to attend and a full report of proceedings will be published here next week.
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The Abbeyfeale Cricket Club Dinner Dance, which was held at The Haggard Pavilion on Friday night, was a most splendid affair. It was hosted by Club President, The Hon, Sir Percival Ponsonby-Smythe, and his good wife, The Lady Honoria Ponsonby-Smythe, and was attended by a veritable galaxy of V.I.P`s and distinguished guests.
Seated with Sir Percival and his Party at the top table were stars of stage, screen and radio as well as many well known names from the world of sport.
During the scrumptious seven-course meal, the gathering was entertained by guest soprano, Miz. Hortensia Ffyffe-Gould, who accompanied herself somewhat successfully on the saxophone.
The Abbeyfeale String Quartet provided music for the after-dinner dancing and proved most proficient in The Rumba and The Old Time Waltz
A most successful evening was rounded off by polite and sustained applause for Sir Percival and his good lady as they made a graceful exit from the proceedings just before midnight.
Fogra; The night was unfortunately marred by one minor and somewhat unsavory incident involving our wicket-keeper, Sebastopol Bullstrode, and a young peasant girl from one of the neighbouring villages. Sebastopol was introduced to the young girl by one of the local serving wenches and was deep in conversation with her when he became somewhat nauseous, having earlier devoured a sufficiency of baked clams, and he felt a sudden and overwhelming desire to visit the rest room. Showing great presence of mind, Sebastopol first removed his false teeth (upper and lower) and handed them to the young peasant girl for safe-keeping. You can imagine his dismay on returning, to find both the young girl and the false teeth had disappeared! If the young girl happens to read this, or if any one else has any knowledge of the whereabouts of our wicket-keeper`s dentures, would they please contact the club urgently. A small reward may be in order.
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19th Dec. The curious saga of our esteemed wicket-keeper, Sebastopol Bullstrode, and his missing molars, took an unexpected turn this morning when the young peasant girl from the neighbouring village made contact with the club to explain her part in the affair. It seems that, so taken aback was she when Sebastopol suddenly, and without the slightest provocation, produced his large incisors and thrust them unceremoniously into her unwilling hands, that she immediately deposited the offending objects in her handbag and repaired to the Members Bar, where she quickly downed several large brandies to alleviate the shock. She then set out for home and, upon arrival, she carefully placed the set of false teeth to soak in a jam-jar by the kitchen sink, intending to return them to their rightful owner at the first opportunity. Unfortunately, her grandfather (who hadn`t a tooth in his head since 1927) arose early and, spying the shining ivories, grinning out mirthlessly at him from the jam-jar, he concluded that they were a Christmas Present from his granddaughter. He popped the dentures (upper and lower set) into his mouth, where they proved to be an exact and extremely snug fit. Soon, he was chomping away happily at the first bite of solid food that had passed his lips in over seventy years. He chewed everything and anything that was placed before him – and still begged for more. “He have us ate out of house and home – so he have!” complained the young peasant girl. “And he won`t take out the teeth – so he won`t!” Meanwhile, poor Sebastopol has been surviving on a diet of goodie and custard trifle as he awaits a replacement set of false teeth from Dublin. However, the story may yet have a happy ending, as Sebastopol and the young peasant girl would appear to have reached an accommodation and, indeed, are rumoured to be walking out together. We will have more, as matters unfold.
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26th Dec. Abbeyfeale Cricketers ventured forth `on the wran` today in an attempt to generate some desperately needed funds to supplement their upcoming overseas tour. (details to be announced) Gaily bedecked in hi-fiddles, straw boaters, and an assortment of striped blazers and waistcoats, and led by the irrepressible Ponsonby-Smythe, they marched up Bogmount, traversed across Abbeyfeale Hill and descended via Kilconlea and came in by the Killarney Road. Renowned international soprano, Miz Hortensia Ffyffe-Gould, was prevailed upon to provide the musical entertainment for the batch. Her soulful rendition of Old Man River whilst accompanying herself on the mouth-organ and, at the same time performing a spirited soft-shoe shuffle, (try saying that with false teeth!) on six inch stiletto heels, had to be seen to be believed. The only discordant note, (pardon the pun) was struck in Grogeen when a somewhat enraged old age pensioner emerged from his residence brandishing a four-pronged pike. “Up Dev!” he shouted, advancing in a somewhat threatening nature while all the time exhorting the local populace to rise again as in days of yore and put the Heathen Sassanach to flight. Ponsonby-Smythe and his merry band decided (perhaps wisely) that discretion might be the better part of valour, and that a good run was better than a bad stand. Accordingly, they invoked the spirit of Dunkirk and turned tail and legged it out of Grogeen as fast as they could and never stopped until they reached the safety of the Cricket Pavilion. There they counted the collection and found that it came to a miserly ?3.27p. Ponsonby-Smythe ordered a drink for the house (on the house) and they sat down gloomily to consider their next move.
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2nd Jan. 2001; Following the recent debacle in Grogeen, when they were put to flight by the local rabble, Abbeyfeale cricketers regrouped yesterday and emerged to announce details of their upcoming Overseas Tour. At a well-attended Media Reception at the Haggard Clubhouse, club PRO, Roderick L Thorpe Q.C. announced to the assembled world`s Press and Television that the team intended to tour New Zealand. Permission had already been granted by the New Zealand Cricket Board for the tour to go ahead, and he was now in contact with various local clubs to secure fixtures and accommodation for the team. To defray the very considerable costs of sending a team to New Zealand, it was proposed to hold a Church Gate Collection next Sunday. And, in line with other sporting organizations in the town, they were also considering the possibility of organizing their own Lotto Draw. Full details of the Tour Itinerary and the proposed Lotto Draw will be unveiled shortly.
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8th Jan; Abbeyfeale Cricket Club organized a church gate collection on Sunday for the purposes of securing funds to send a team and officials, (plus their wives, sweethearts and fancy-women) on a three month tour to New Zealand. Unfortunately, the collection was not a success. The renowned generosity of the Abbeyfeale People, which is usually displayed to good effect with sizable monetary offerings to the numerous deserving causes that set up stalls at the church entrance each Sunday was, in this case, sadly lacking, with the paltry sum of ?1.73 being donated. “Tour New Zealand?” one wag commented. “The way things are going, we will be lucky to see Newcastle West!” Club Treasurer, The Rev. Basil P Braithwaithe, has announced that another church gate collection will be held next Sunday for anyone that might have inadvertently missed it on this occasion. “Give a lot.” he said. “It means a little.” Fogra; The buachalawns on the main training pitch are beginning to proliferate at an alarming rate. If there is anyone out there with a sharp scythe who would be willing to cut them, would they please contact our head greenkeeper immediately. (He can usually be found in The Cellar Bar.)
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14th JAN: History was made at this Sunday`s church gate collection by Abbeyfeale Cricket Club when we ended up with less money than we started out with! Following the poor response the previous Sunday, our Treasurer, The Rev. Basil P Braithwaithe hit upon the ingenious idea of putting some loose change in to the collection plate in order to encourage donations from the local peasantry. He obtained ?5 worth of coins of varying denominations from the Allied Irish Bank in The Square and carefully arranged them in colourful patterns at the bottom of the plate. However, he became distracted, and as soon as he turned his back , didn`t some louser swipe the lot! The club has therefore decided to suspend all church gate collections until further notice. FOGRA; Would there be any handyman out there who might be able to carry out repairs on a faulty condom machine in the gents toilet, as it has started to hand out bars of chocolate, much to the dismay of several of our male members!
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22nd Jan; Following a most eventful mid-winter break, cricket is set to resume at The Haggard shortly. We have cleared all the buachalawns from the pitch and burned off the remaining bearts of rushes. A herd of goats (kindly loaned to us by a local peasant goat-farmer) has grazed all the grass from the wicket, ensuring plenty of spin for the bowlers. There will be no game next weekend due to the rugby match in Thomond Park between Munster and Biarritz. (We must be seen to support the local peasantry, so at to maintain our present harmonious relationship with them. We can`t allow the natives to get restless!) Hopefully, we will have some play the following week. Meanwhile, plans for the tour of New Zealand continue apace. We are in contact with the Centurian`s Cricket Club from Auckland (see Guest Book) and we hope to be in a position to divulge more details soon.
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5th Feb; With Tom Tobin`s Hall finally and irrevocably gone (but not forgotten) Abbeyfeale Cricket Club has decided to exploit the situation, and raise funds for the upcoming tour to New Zealand, by reviving Sunday night dancing in the town. We kick-off on this Sunday night with Tom Jones In Concert at the Haggard Pavilion. Our resident band, The Crickets, will open proceedings, and Tom will be on stage at 10.30 pm and will perform for one hour. In a recent Spotlight Magazine interview, the Welshman admitted that his one big regret was never having played in Tom Tobin`s Hall, where all the greats have performed. Early booking is advisable as demand for tickets (at ?50 per head) is expected to be phenomenal. Ladies (and gentlemen) are requested to refrain from flinging garments of a private and intimate nature on stage while Tom is performing. Mr Jones is no longer a young man, and the excitement of having to face a bombardment of oversized corsets, bloomers, drawers, girdles, garters, suspender belts, body stockings and other sundry items of female (and male) apparel, might prove too much for the poor man!
Incidentally, cricket (don`t mention the war!) will resume shortly.
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12th Feb; The Tom Jones concert at the Cricket Club on Sunday night was an outstanding success, with fans arriving in to Abbeyfeale from all over the world. The town was brought to a virtual standstill as cars crawled, bumper to bumper, down Main Street and out to the Haggard Pavilion, while on the crowded pavements you could not swing a cat. It was the biggest gathering seen in Abbeyfeale since The Missions. Tickets changed hands for exorbitant sums, and the lads involved in the Black Market Economy are all millionaires after the night. Inside in the hall they were packed like sardines and hanging from the rafters, and the screaming when Tom Jones finally came on stage, was bloodcurdling in the extreme, and would make your hair stand on end – so it would. Fair play to the bould Tom. He gave them a show worth remembering! All the classics; Delila, It`s Not Unusual, What`s New Pussycat, Green Green Grass Of Home; He belted them all out and the crowd sang along, enjoying every minute of it. However, it was when he started in to an up-tempo version of Brosna Town that disaster struck. A gang of middle-aged women, who were old enough to know better, suddenly stormed the stage, screaming hysterically and throwing garments of a most intimate and revealing nature at the startled singer. In seconds, all hell broke loose as the Welshman went to ground, disappearing under mountains of quivering female flesh. By the time officials and gardai had rescued the singer and restored order, the poor man had been stripped of his dignity, not to mention most of his clothes. As he was whisked away to a waiting helicopter, he very sportingly forfeited his appearance fee. “You can keep the money.” he said “I`m just glad to escape with my life!” (Check photo album for live pics!) Next week, we have something for the fellows, when Bridie Gallagher will be our guest artiste.
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19th Feb; The Bridie Gallagher Concert at the Cricket Club on Sunday night was a most refined and genteel affair, with none of the female frenzy and foolishness associated with the Tom Jones fiasco the previous week. The only bit of excitement occurred as Bridie launched in to a spirited rendition of her classic hit, The Homes Of Donegal. An old age pensioner from Mountcollins Village, fortified no doubt with several bottles of stout, was overcome by the emotion of it all and tottered forward on his Zimmer frame and flung a pair of tattered long-johns onto the stage. However, he was quickly overpowered by a dozen burly bouncers, and the pensioner and his offending garment were forcibly ejected from the premises, and public order was restored. Next Sunday night, the Cricket Club is proud to present, fresh from their successful overseas tour to Cricklewood and Kilburn, the one and only Toureenfada and District Ceili Band with special guest star, Nessa Nic Amhlachan, the current All Ireland Lapdancing Champion. Miss Nic Amhlachan has won medals and trophies at numerous Feis Cheoil throughout the country, and brings her own unique and personal interpretation to this relatively new and exotic branch of Irish Dancing. It promises to be a night to remember! FOGRA; Would the people who own the four caravans, the two Hiace vans and the six piebald ponies, kindly remove them from our training pitch. We have enough to be doing, without catering for holiday makers!
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25th Feb; The Ceili on Sunday night ended in chaos and confusion, due to a minor misunderstanding. It appears that some people were under the mistaken impression that lap dancing was about to be introduced in the Cricket Club. The confusion was caused by a small typing error on our posters which should have advertised “tap-dancing” but unfortunately somebody typed in an “L” instead of a “T”. . A group of irate females, (the same women who physically assaulted Tom Jones a couple of weeks back) placed pickets at the entrance to the club and paraded with placards, verbally abusing the hordes of little men in dirty raincoats who were trying to gain admittance. Meanwhile, inside in the hall, All Ireland Tap-dancing Champion, Nessa Nic Amhlachan, was given a rousing reception by the packed and expectant audience when she appeared on stage, resplendent in black stockings, and colourful dance costume glittering with an array of Feis Ceoil medals. However, cheers soon turned to jeers as she launched into a particularly spirited and highly-disciplined Slip Jig. Some punters stormed the ticket office, demanding their money back, while others flung their dirty raincoats onto the stage amid ribald calls for more immediate and intimate action. Miss Nic Amhlachan, who is convent-educated and has performed in River Dance at the Sydney Opera House, was reduced to tears and had to be comforted by club officials. But then, as the crowd began to turn nasty, officials suggested that she might be prevailed upon to incorporate just a hint of lap dancing into her routine in order to placate the drunken rabble. Miss Nic Amhlachan took extreme umbrage at this. “Even Michael Flatley never asked me to do anything like THAT!” she cried before storming out of the building. Unfortunately, she ran straight into the protesting women outside, who immediately and vigorously set upon the poor girl and attacked her with their placards, just as gardai arrived to restore order. Miss Nic Amhlachan`s lawyers have been in touch with the club, and litigation will follow shortly. Meanwhile, next Sunday night`s dance will be a Disco.
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12th March ; In common with all other sporting organizations, Abbeyfeale Cricket Club remains closed for the moment. Congratulations to England on a splendid victory over mighty Sri Lanka in the Second Test in Kandy this week. We may have lost an empire, but By Golly when it comes to cricket, we can still show the world a thing or two! We are organizing a mini-tour to Sri Lanka for the Third and decisive Test next week. A bus will leave The Square in front of Joy`s Corner at 8 am on Wednesday. Anyone wishing to travel should contact Peg Murphy immediately, and bring a sleeping bag. Up England!
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20th March; England achieved another splendid victory over Sri Lanka to clinch the series 2-1. Those of us who travelled were privileged to be present at such an historic win, which was every bit as good as Munster`s win over the All Blacks in 1978. We hope that this performance will help put cricket on the map in Abbeyfeale and that instead of decapitating each other with hurley sticks, fellows will now be enticed to handle the bat and take up this most noble and civilized of games. FOGRA; Good news for the club! The lads who owned the four caravans, the two Hiace vans and the six piebald ponies which were illegally parked on our training pitch recently, have all taken out a Life Membership of our club. They each paid the ?5,000 in used notes and have promised to promote our weekly dances and bring in a good crowd from outside when we re-open. We hope to kick-off again shortly with Joe Dolan in Concert. (The new lads were delighted with this)
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1st April ; Our proposal last week for the formation of a local Pub Team has met with a cool response from vintners in the town. However, we intend to press ahead regardless. We have approached Guinness Group seeking sponsorship of an Inter-Pub competition. We have also been on to Bulmers, as some of the new lads have expressed a liking for cider. We also intend making a tentative approach to the GAA to see if we can use The Inch and The Clubhouse for the home games, as it would be very handy for the parking of all the caravans, (which the new lads seem to favour as a mode of transport,) and also for the grazing of the piebald ponies. Watch this space for further developments
28th March; Not much happening on the home front this week. Our plans to tour New Zealand received a bit of a set-back when the Host Club pulled out following allegations of match-fixing and ball-tampering. Meanwhile, our new members are settling in splendidly, and are actively considering the formation of a local pub team (The Knackers XI) which would be affiliated to our club and would play against other pub teams in the town in an inter-pub Town League. The matter is being discussed at committee level and a decision will be made shortly.
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16th April; Our cricket season has been brought to a premature close. This is mainly due to an avalanche of legal prosecutions and litigations that have arrived in our office over the last week. We have received writs for libel damages, defamation of character, high treason, breaches of the Official Secrets Act, breaches of the Trades Description Act, breaches of the Dance Hall License Act, breaches of the Noise Pollution Act, breaches of the Fire & Safety Regulations Act, breaches of the Gay Rights For All Act, breaches of the Discrimination Against Travellers and Tinkers Act, breaches of the Drinking After Hours Act and breaches of various other European Laws, Regulations and Acts, too numerous and too complicated to mention. We have also been sued by Tom Jones, Bridie Gallagher, Nessa Nic Amhlacan, The Toureenafada Ceili Band, Joe Dolan and practically everyone else who ever knew us or had any dealings with us.
We intend to contest each action vigorously. (We will even do time if we have to) We propose to launch a Fighting Fund and we appeal for donations. Also, if there are any good Litigation Lawyers out there who might be prepared to fight the good fight on our behalf, we urge you to contact us immediately. Together, we shall strike another blow in the long battle for freedom!
Meanwhile, we hope to be back in action in the autumn. (if they let us out)